vrijdag 22 juni 2012

Its oh so quiet (English)

The sundisk has no signifigant spots on it...no flares no cme's...its flatlining below c-level.
On the emotional level however its not so quiet. It seems that people are either very happy and balanced or they are very sad en off-balance. Or both..there is always that..:-))
For me personal...I am. What? Well, all of it!!
I know that everything is good, but i'm having one heck of a difficult time knowing it...really knowing it.
As Dee (Wallace) would say; 'Go to your heart' , but to be honest with you...i'm not always sure its my heart I hear, or my brain pretending to be my heart.
That'll keep you going round in circles!

Yesterday I was in kind of a tailspin into the abyss of depair. (I will spare you the details)
Felt I wasn't going anywhere, nothing was adding up to anything, a total feeling of unworthyness. (darn..when will thát ever end)
And I know that that is all just a mindthing, I know its a matter of directing it differently...I just could't find the discipline to make it so. (cause the voice of drama imediatly shouts out; 'Its not gonna help anyway!')
With some help (thank you Jarrad!) I realised what I need is fun.
Fun at 18 was going out with friends, drink and smoke and dance a lot...the party time nightlife.
At 28 I met my husband and we created two awesome kids and became the mom and the dad, loved that.
At the age of 38 I finally decided to finally be seriously spiritual, do the courses, the workshops, educate myself and start my own practise.
Now..another 10 years later..I have no idea where to go, what to do or how to be at this stage of my life.
So, reinvent myself?

First of all, I need to re-define fun. What is fun at 47? Isn't that totally ridicilous? I have no idea!!
I don't drink, nor smoke and dancing all night..even the thought wears me out. (thats horrible..i'm not 74 am I?)
I love love love to write...but does that count as fun? Me ratteling away at the keyboard all alone?
Don't think so huh.
Thinking...I don't think that thinking is gonna get me any answers, so yesterday I started work on my (totally gone beserk) garden again...finally...stop thinking, just do and be...and probably inspiration will find me?
What do you think??


3 opmerkingen:

  1. Ik reageer in het nederlands, mijn engels op papier is niet zo denderend als dat van jou.

    First: Het moet fun zijn voor jou om, 47 jaar oud, in de spiegel te kijken!
    Second; als je zo'n thuis hebt, dan moet het al fun zijn om 10 minuten aan de slag te gaan; directe resultaat!
    Third: in de directe omgeving van je huis zijn ontzettend veel ontzettend leuke dingen te beleven! Er op uit joe!


  2. Thuis moet zijn tuin.... hoewel ? ;-)

  3. First...dat is het soms ook wel.
    Second, dat is het meestal ook wel.
    Third, die vind ik ook af en toe wel :-))
    Maar soms...ben ik zo moe..zo geblokkeerd, zo zat...en dan krijg je zo'n blog :-))))
    Meestal heeft optimisme de overhand.
    Bijna altijd ben ik oertevreden.